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A selection of
Mrs Smith's writing

"The intricateness of my newly arrived brass knockers leaves me quite breathless. Indeed, I haven't experienced such satisfying handwork since the revival of my water closet to its turn of the century prominence." Lady Margaret Gosworthy-Pringle, September 2012

“This is the time of year that evokes one of my dearest childhood memories – that of Cook permitting me to pop beribboned containers of homemade grouse paté into the bespoke hamper mother annually donated to The Home for Fallen Women and their Subsequently Disadvantaged Status. Harvest Festival has ranked highly in my affection ever since.” Hampshire Life blog, October 2011

“Her orders despatched, My Islington Friend greets us with a customary level of effervescence then buzzes an intercom to inform her Eastern European helper in the basement kitchen to serve lunch. The response, a muttered monosyllable, sends MIF on a rant about the quality of staff in the capital. Her current employee is on a three month trial but with little likelihood of lasting longer than her predecessor who faced instant dismissal after over starching a set of linen napkins.” Great British Life, April 2011

“On street corners eager young shoeshine boys, grateful for the opportunity of earning a much needed copper, salivated beyond the call of duty to buff the boots of passers by.” The Chap, December 2010

“In these celebrity fuelled times, it is both rare and refreshing to find a performer motivated by the fulfilment of her career rather than the need for fame.” Lincolnshire Life, December 2010

“... I succumbed to a spot of consumption this week ... preventing me from either engaging my laptop or applying mascara. That's a first.” Tring and Berkhamsted Gazette, June 2010

“ ... writers must abandon any modest choice of language, milk adjectives for all they’re worth and exploit any passing verb.” Humour Writing Article, Writing Magazine, April 2010

“... as the British surveyed and then subjugated various colonial outposts, it was clear that the unforgiving sunshine and buzzing wildlife, necessitated sturdy defences of the upper extremities.”
Cunning Language Column, The Chap, August / Sept 2009

“I'd just revealed my secret fantasy - to have my husband's undivided attention all evening - but clearly this was not the sort of fetish he'd been hoping to hear.”
Wayward Thoughts, Rhyme & Reason, 2009

“When a Chap relaxes he is given to obambulating: taking life at a leisurely pace, absorbing the pleasure of unhurried moments. In short, wandering around Savile Row to his heart's content.”
“To meet the growing demand of umbrellas, a mass slaughter of whales was necessary to provide sufficient bone for the shafts, whilst mines from the colonies were plundered for decorative metals and jewels.”
History of the rain umbrella, The Chap, April / May 2009

“No, Jack, it isn't home time. No, not break either. It's half past nine in the morning. Well, I know you can't tell the time, Jack, but you've only been in the classroom a short while haven't you? It feels longer than that, does it? Well, just concentrate on your lessons and the day will pass quickly. Yes, it will, Jack.”
A Challenging Day at School (in the style of Joyce Grenfell), Chiltern Writers Anthology, 2008

“A spell in hospital . . . proved to be more challenging than persuading my daughter that ear piercing is not a necessity for 10 year olds. My unplanned surgery wasn't a cosmetic procedure to dispel the cruel effects of gravity. An inflamed appendix was the problem. Not that this warranted any sympathy from my spouse who still hasn't forgiven me for spoiling a dinner party by collapsing over my marinated duck breasts.”
An Impatient Patient, Chiltern Writers Anthology, 2008

“When Charles II restored the monarchy to these shores, he celebrated his return with the invention of an innovative fashion garment. For he had spent much of his 9 year exile on an haute couture course.”
History of the Waistcoat, The Chap, August /September 2008

“... I waved my bleeper in the general direction of convenience desserts and accidentally scanned an elderly gentleman's pickled walnuts.”
To Scan or Not To Scan, commended entry in The Chilterns Show Creative Writing Competition, 2008

“Only days earlier he'd risked an ASBO from the local farmer after stalking a couple of recently born lambs. It was his latest caution.”
Cat World, September 2009

“Hesky was wheeled out on a hostess trolley ... snoring, mouth open and tongue hanging out, a paw rising up and down on his wildlife-bloated belly.”
The Alpha Male Pet, Cat World, July 2008

“Spot was livelier than a group of 7 year olds on a sherbert fest.”
Spot the Most Obedient Puppy, Dogs Monthly, June 2008

“Our daughter, sensing there was little point in asking Daddy to join her in remodelling Polly Pocket's wardrobe, retired to her bedroom.”
News Crisis! The Four Shires Magazine, February 2008

“Hesky scaled the curtains and walked the length of the pelmet before abseiling down the side.”
Darn that Pesky Hesky, Cat World, July 2007

“... my spouse plunged into the mother-of-all-moods, folded his arms like a truculent teenager and stared at his feet.”
“Uncertainty flickered across my husband's face yet he continued to obey the woman with an unprecedented level of submission.”
“For 40 years my wardobe has been dominated by sufficient layers of brushed cotton to have made Shackleton proud.”
“The door now stood at an acute angle from the unit and was being used by the cats as an obstacle in a mock assault course.”
Extracts from Relative Values column, Chiltern Writer Newsletter 2006 - 08

“Too many husbands. Too little judgement.”
Leighton Buzzard Writers website 6 Word Stories

“At The Big Bang restaurant Max Mason is driven by principles, economy and quality, and determined to give every customer a unique dining experience.”
Interview with Max Mason for The Four Shires magazine, April 2009

“Author and charity worker Fiona Castle, OBE, is the epitome of calm and grace ... yet her self assured manner belies the time when, with so much self imposed pressure, her life reached a critically low point.”
Interview with Fiona Castle for Prayer Magazine, January 2009

“Eric Morecambe invited Fiona to watch the transmission of a TV show starring Roy Castle ... By the end of the evening, she was smitten.”
Interview with Fiona Castle for Buckinghamshire Life, January 2009

“A multitude of mobile phone ring tones against a backdrop of nostalgic songs sets the scene ... a chaotic and hilarious mix of egos and emotions.”
Review of Brave Heart and Baggage by Jan Moran Neil for Bucks Free Press, 5 December 2008

“Once the hierarchy was calmer, Raphael, always an optimist, offered his gift of healing. It was an ambitious yet hopeless suggestion. Metatron, one of God's closest advisors, closed his eyes and quietly begged forgiveness on behalf of the accused.”
What's in a Name? Rhyme & Reason, 2009


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